Back of the Net Wiki

Abel Xavier is a drug taking former Portuguese journeyman defender. Xavier famously combined being a professional footballer with his status as King Neptune, Roman


Statue of Abel Xavier

God and Lord of the Sea.

Club Career[]

Two schools of thought exist regarding Xavier's pre-playing days. Most believe he was born and grew up in Nampula, Mozambique. However, there is also considerable evidence to suggest he was born in Tartarus, in the darkest portion of Hades, where he was imprisoned by his father until he was freed by his brother Zeus. Either way, Xavier started his football career playing for Estrela da Amadora. From there he earned a transfer to Portuguese giants Benfica.

Unfortunately, while Benfica are giants in their native country, Portugal is quite small, making them normal size by comparison to, for example, Bolton or Ipswich. Therefore when Xavier impressed again, it was rather unsurprising that he moved to an average side like Bari. The somewhat unimpressed headline in La Gazzetta dello Sport read, "Look at you Bari - so desperate to escape midtable mediocrity you resort to signing a Pagan deity from antiquity as a functional right back."

Xavier's innate pining for the sea would leave him unable to settle in one place for long however and he went on to become an intercontinental journeyman, playing for all of:

  • Real Oviedo

    Xavier playing for Boro

  • PSV
  • Everton
  • Liverpool
  • Galatasaray (on loan)
  • Hannover 96
  • Roma
  • Middlesbrough
  • Los Angeles Galaxy

International Career[]

Like many ambitious players such as Swiss hobbit Oliver Neuville or incomprehensible Ghanaian giant Marcel Desailly, Mozambique born Xavier chose to represent a better country at international level. He played for Portugal a total of 20 times, scoring 2 goals. He has since stated that he would have preferred to represent his spiritual home of the Roman Empire, but unfortunately the nation folded over a millennium prior to the formation of FIFA.

Xavier famously went from zero to near hero, to villain in just one game against France at Euro 2000. In the semi final, Xavier nearly scored a late winner, only for bald French lunatic Fabien Bathez to somehow stop the shot. In extra time, Xavier then stopped the ball on his own goal-line with his hand, which everyone knows results in a penalty when done by anyone who isn't the goalkeeper or Stéphane Henchoz. Algerian headbutting champion Zinedine Zidane scored the resulting penalty, which instantly put France into the final thanks to the absurdity of the Golden Goal rule.

Drugs Cheat[]

After a UEFA cup game for grim northern chancers Middlesbrough, Xavier tested positive for dianabol. Despite repeated protests of innocence, he was banned from football for 18 months. For this injustice, Xavier has cursed tyranical FIFA President Sepp Blatter and his children for seven generations. Blatter's family is now unable to travel anywhere by boat.

Similar Players[]

Brazil and Garforth Town legend Sócrates (MD Ph.D) famously combined the roles of creative midfielder, doctor of medicine and 5th Century BC Athenian philosopher.

Tricky Sevilla FC winger Jesús Navas went one step further and died for our sins, only to be resurrected in time for a gruelling Sunday night clash with Locomotive Bethlehem.