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Alan shearer is a cheating, stupid, grinning mug, with the single worst and most uninventive "signature" celebration in history He has also been described as lame

Shearer used to have a malignant, persistent tumour but it was removed We now refer to it as dennis wise

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in 1996 alan recieved an honourary doctorate from blackburn polytechnic Alan is famous for once scoring a goal from outside the 6 yard box however fans' glee at seeing this were disappointed when they saw him celebrating only the way alan doe

Before becoming a footballer, alan worked as a painting-hanger Both jobs utilised his talent for tap ins

he received the freedom of newcastle in 2007 which means he can graze sheep or joey bartons children in newcastle town centre. Since his departure from Newcastle his messianic role has been taken over by ant and dec. In 2011 Shearer was sent to jail for income tax fraud after it emerged that him and dec were the same person.In between retirement and his fledging managerial career it is believed he took a bribe from Phil Brown to do everything to send Newcastle down. This ocurred when Brown realised he wasn't very good

Nowadays one can find Shearer wasting taxpayers moeny spewing absoluted bollocks on Match of The Day. The more tactful anti-coalition voters have stopped attacking the bankers and are now barrackading the BBC in order to give the government money which had been previously wasted by Labour It is believed that every saturday night 25,000 TV's are broken as a result of listening to Shearer's voice for too long