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Arsene Wenger (born October 22, 1949)

Early Life[]

In 1964, he was convicted of willful negligence when a security camera caught him at the scene of a brutal assault. Despite his honest pleas that he "did not see the incident", and his insistence that the arresting officer "ask the referee", he was found guilty and sentenced to watching every match Giovanni Trapattonimanagedin his career. After overcoming this setback, Wenger joined crap French team Mulhouse, before moving to slightly less crap French team Strasbourg, with whom he made a UEFA Cup appearance, thereby cementing his status as the best player to ever appear in that competition. His playing career is a well-known example of the Bryan Robson theorem:

"A former player's success as a manager is inversely proportional to his success as a player."


His first managerial job was at Nancy, where he was sacked after 3 trophyless seasons. The Daily Mail's lead headline: "Wenger's Nancy Boys Go Down". His next job was at Monaco, where he signed skillful foreigners like Glenn Hoddle. The Daily Mail's lead headline: "Wenger Outsources English Talent; Contributes To National Population Decline". He then moved to Nagoya Grampus Eight, a Japanese club. The Daily Mail's lead headline: "ROFL They're In Japan". Finally, in 1996, Wenger moved to Arsenal. In his first match in charge, a 2-0 victory over Blackburn, his lineup contained 10 English players, including everyone in their 5-man back line, and built his attack around Honest ProJohn Hartson, a typical English striker, but for the fact he is Welsh. The Daily Mail's lead headline: "Wenger's Ultra-Defensive Tactics A Disgrace To Football: He's Worse Than George Graham!". Fortunately the Mail were wrong and Arsenal played some reasonably decent football at times. However, Wenger was often criticized for his awful judgment of player talent, such as signing unwanted winger Thierry Henry for 10 million pounds. Legendary Arsenal journalist Myles Palmer had this to say:

"Thierry Henry is not a goalscorer." [1]

Other disasters included the signing of Belgian Thomas Vermaelen, who was too short; Robin van Persie, who was too temperamental; and Cesc Fabregas, who was voted 2nd in the Daily Mail's 2009 poll, "Who is the worst passer in the history of the Premier League?", ahead of only Ali Dia. However, Wenger was widely lauded for his signing of world class English talent, such as Francis Jeffers, Richard Wright, and most recently Tom Cruise, who was signed despite Wenger's insistence that the 48 year old be given only a 1 hour contract, following club policy. British journalists were often critical of Arsenal's lack of discipline under Wenger. The Daily Mail won the 2008 Pulitzer Prize for Sports Journalism with its reasoned, thought-provoking expose, "Arsenal's red card hall of shame under Arsene Wenger", detailing all 72 of Arsenal's red cards over Wenger's 12 seasons at the club. Despite this journalistic masterpiece, Wenger insists to this day that he has never seen an Arsenal player commit an act worthy of a red card in his entire career. In recent years, Wenger has been critical of the physicality of English football, having suffered 3 broken legs in 3 years, which is ironic because Arsenal is full of tough tackling physical players like Jose Antonio Reyes, Robert Pires, and most notably Jens Lehmann, whose sheer physical strength had Didier Drogba writhing in pain after a particularly brutal challenge. Rupert Murdoch was reportedly quoted as saying, "Dan Smith, Martin Taylor, and Ryan Shawcross are f***ing heroes in my f***ing book; those f***ing Gooners deserve to have all their f***ing legs broken."