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Iniesta, Xavi and Villa celebrate another succesful red card appeal.

FC Barcelona, otherwise known as the greatest team of all time, the darlings of football, UEFAlona, and The Spanish Swansea City, are a bunch of midgets bordering on obesity who have gotten together to form a highly successful football team, based around quick passing, greasy hairdos, possession and tantrums. They are the best team that the world has ever seen, without any doubt, as evidenced by the fact that they keep 90% possession in every match and have the best player of all time Lionel Messi in their ranks.

Style of Play


Carlos Puyol, yesterday.

FC Barcelona's style of play is widely revered by pundits and Qatari 14 year olds alike as the only real way of playing football. Barcelona look scornfully upon no nonsense players and have never attempted a long ball, except for the time they signed Zlatan Ibrahimovich, an event which upset the rest of the team who simply did not have time for his greedy attitude and lack of appeal to posters. An average Barcelona attack and build-up will usually involve 50-100 short passes, a run from Messi, and will eventually end in an opposition player, usually Pepe, becoming frustrated and attempting to breaking the spine of whichever Catalan dwarf currently has the ball at their feet.

Resilience to injury

Due to the large number of steroids pumped into their blood by Michel Platini, Barcelona players are extraordinarily resilient to any sort of injury. No matter how much you harm a Barcelona player, they will heal almost immediately. The method of healing will usually involve rolling around clutching the afflicted area. This uncanny ability is perhaps best evidenced by Sergio 'Wolverine' Busquets, a Holocaustal figure who weighs about 19 pounds and refuses to succumb to the brutal attacks of lesser human beings (non Barca players). Examples of injuries that Sergio Busquets has instantly healed from include

  • Broken feet
  • Suddenly exploding Knees
  • Broken nose
  • Eye gouging
  • Spontaneous Combustion
  • Other facial injuries
  • Being shot
  • Being stabbed
  • Being thrown to the floor by thuggish non Barcelona players.
  • Nuclear missile