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Barry George Davies MBE (born 24 October 1940 in London, England) was the best sports commentator known to man.


Created by MI6 as a weapon of mass hypnosis during the Second World War, the unnamed creature escaped his creators, hiding under the pseudonym Barry Davies, which he believed to be so boring no-one would ever notice.


As a means of protest Barry then decided to use his silken voice to commentate on everything known to man. Originally confined to sport, he talked over football, tennis, boat-racing, curling and athletics. A staunch feminist, Davies even commentated on women's activities like gymnastics, hockey and ice-skating. Davies often knew nothing of the sport he was rabbling on about, but then most of them were so complicated and unpopular that the public didn't either, and just accepted his calming words without question.

In 1993 a lazy BBC runner forgot to put Davies back in his cupboard, leaving him to commentate on everything that the BBC produced for an entire year. Davies caused outrage whilst commentating on Eastenders, saying 'there goes Phil Mitchell, drunk as usual and looking like an egg with a hernia.' By this point Barry was so powerful the BBC could not stop him. Only when they offered him the commentary of those boring military things where blokes hit drums and all walk the same did he relent from overshadowing all of telly.


Though officially retired, many believe the British government secretly employed Davies to send subliminal messages to the populace when it became evident there were no 'weapons of mass destruction' in Iraq. The bemusing way in which people accepted that Saddam Hussein had rockets he could fire on Europe and the USA in seven minutes, yet couldn't be arsed during several months of invasion can only be attributed to Barry Davies' hypnotic voice. His purpose complete, Davies was allowed to quietly retire, retaining his legendary status as the world's greatest commentator.