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Many grounds containing fervent supporters earn the right to be known as a Cauldron of Noise. No-one knows what a cauldron filled with noise sounds like, or why anyone has filled a cauldron with noise, or what this in any way has to do with a football ground. Before an extensive survey in 1986, commentators and journalists simply referred to it being 'very loud' or 'quite noisy', but the relentless march of science meant the sound had to be quantified.


Scientists sent sound waves into every known vessel to coin the phrase as accurately as possible. Also in the final four were:

1) A Pot of Sound- too much like jam

2) A Cacophony of Cries- too posh, unintelligible to real fans

3) A Can of Dr Pepper- nonsense

Famous Examples[]

Perhaps the most well known Cauldron of Noise is St. James' Park. At 52,387 it breaks the usual size requirements, but gains the correct noise levels due to city's chronic unemployment problem. There are 50,000 people who literally have nothing better to do than stay within sight of St James' Park. They are usually awaiting the Sky television broadcast of a returning messiah such as Alan Shearer or Kevin Keegan. In fact if you watch the archive footage back to back you can see that many of the fans for Keegan's latest return were present in the same clothing for Shearer's signing and introduction as manager, and even for Keegan's original return as manager in 1994. They are still there when the messiah leaves, providing a crying Geordie for Sky to mock, often saying 'it's the end of me woarld mn' as if football actually matters that much. Most have to buy food from local burger vans and become very fat. The most die-hard have even lost the powers of thermoregulation, often having to expose their pale northern bodies to extreme cold in St. James' Park on matchdays to prevent overheating. In this fashion they spend most of their time perfecting their unintelligible Geordie bawl to sing pining paeans to lost heroes such as Alan Shearer and Kevin Keegan at such a decibel level that St James' Park can be considered a Cauldron of Noise.

Old Trafford used to be a Cauldron of Noise. Since United disbanded their real fans in 1991 however, no-one would accept that 76,212 people saying 'where's my prawn sandwich Jeremy' 'which team do we like' and 'why don't they just pick it up' in 315 different languages constitutes a Cauldron of Noise.

Every ground in the world changes to a Cauldron of Noise for a derby game, irrelevant of how much noise is made. People just like saying it.