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Club World Cup[]

A lucrative yet superfluous tournament that pits the champions of FIFA's continental competitions against each other.

Teams from Japan, Australia and such play against each other for the right to be taught a footballing lesson by Manchester United or Boca Juniors.

The victors then lift the heavy, ugly, futuristic trophy, which is hauntingly symbolic of the insensate, needless globalisation of a once beautiful game.

In a way, there's nothing wrong with the idea, but in reality everyone knows that the champions of Europe are the best team in the world and it is a baffling waste of time to stage a 10-day tournament to prove that.

The European representatives who spend most of the season moaning about fixture pile-up and the strain that places on their star players seem to forget their barbaric schedules and happily fuck off to Tokyo, leaving the fixture list in their domestic championship in ruins.

Because the tournament is in Japan, all the matches are played at silly times like 10am in Europe so no fucker even knows they are taking place.

Still, as long as 100 million Japanese watch the game, buy a United shirt and squeal in frighteningly high-pitched voices it's all worth it.