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Diego Maradona[]

Diego Armando Maradona (born 30 October 1960; died 25 November 2020) was an extremely talented footballer, venerated deity, appalling cheat, drug fiend and reprobate.

He was most famous for winning the 1986 World Cup for Argentina with a mixture of superb skill and blatant, horrific cheating. Against England in the quarter-finals, he ‘scored’ a goal punching the ball into the net, in clear contravention of Rule 9b which states: 'Obviously, you can’t handle the ball, that should go without saying; what kind of a cunt would try and pull something like that?'

Later in the match, Maradona added a breathtaking and legal second goal, beating nineteen England defenders including both Gary Stevens, Terry Butcher and Chris Waddle's mullet eight times. In grudging recognition, commentator Barry Davies said: ‘well, you have to say that is magnificent. There is no… debate about that goal’.

'Hand of God'[]

Main article: Hand Of God

After this infamous game, Maradona refused to apologise or even acknowledge his offence, instead claiming that the ‘Hand Of God’ had scored the goal. Action replays did not support this version of events, suggesting instead that Maradona was a disgraceful twat. Scientists later estimated that the player’s head had been around three yards from making contact with the ball. They added that God was not known to exist, although by definition it was very hard for his existence to be disproved either. Most pundits did agree that Peter Shilton was to blame for not properly clearing the ball and mocked him for being out-jumped by the wild-haired midget.

Post-1986 Indignities[]

In 1990, Maradona’s Argentina side came close to defending their trophy despite one of the most dismal showings ever by a major nation in the World Cup. They blagged their way through both Quarter and Semi-Finals on penalties, in each case eliminating more attractive sides.

In an abysmal Final against West Germany, they tried the same trick again but were – ironically – beaten by a late spot-kick awarded after Rudi Voeller dived. Afterwards, rather than congratulating the Germans, who had dominated the competition from the start, or just pissing off home like anyone else would have done, Maradona cried and said, meaninglessly, ‘I will have to tell my children that the Mafia exists also in football’

In 1994, Maradona began the tournament well but after a wild-eyed goal celebration against Nigeria, it became obvious he was off his face. He was banned, and later put on enormous amounts of weight and became a general fuckup.

Underachieving Brother[]

He had a brother, Hugo Maradona, who also played at professional level, but was rubbish.

Underachieving Son[]

He had a son, Diego Maradona Jnr, who also played at professional level, but was rubbish.

Modern Times[]

From 2008 until his death Maradona had a go at managing several clubs as well as Argentina, but was rubbish.