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Emile Heskey

Emile William Ivanhoe Heskey (born 11 January 1978) is sadly an English footballer who currently sits on the bench for Aston Villa and has robbed a living failing as a striker.

The hopeless, defenders dream has had a crazy 62 caps for England and has found the back of the net a pathetic 7 times, making this Lennie Henry look-a-like the worst player in the history of football.

More astonishingly is that Heskey has an accumulative 23.5 million pounds of tranfer fees, which could buy a player much less shit like low-league murderer Lee Hughes or serial criminal Marlon King.

The dozy bulldozer was named in the 2010 FIFA world cup team, where he injured England captain Rio Ferdinand and ruled him out of the tournament, presenting the opportunity for Mathew Upson to allow proper striker Miroslav Klose to bag his 400th world cup goal.

Heskey has been labbelled as an unselfish striker, mainly due to the fact that playing for England we had to find something positive to say about this dog shit striker. However, Heskey did score a goal against Germany in an unforgettable 5-1 victory, where firey-haired legend Paul Scholes set Heskey free to unleash a scuffed shot past German porn star Oliver Kahn.

Heskey's only notable run of form came just over a decade ago when playing for Liverpool and annoying everybody with his irrelevant DJ celebration, thankfully over Emile's 15 year career we have only had to see this a couple of times.

The final chapter of his awful story came when he retired from International football, which should never have been his decision to make but thankfully he did and now Emile can focuss all of his ability on missing sitters for Villa over the coming years.