The Rise of Ronaldo (1988)[edit | edit source]
Ronaldo started his career at Tunbridge Wells F.C. where his talents went unnoticed by the shit-kicking long-ballers who selected the side.
Only when Ronaldo moved to the relatively underserved footballing market of Brazil was he given the chance to play. On the empty pitches of Brazil, he scored a few goals. This was a desirable trait in the trade and when combined with his sub-par dental work and questionable fashion sense, Ronaldo would be right at home as a professional footballer.
Ronaldo started his career in leagues that actually matter in Holland when the Dutch league actually mattered. Obviously, he did alright as he didn't end up at Liverpool and/or has a page here.
The Fall of Ronaldo (World Cup 1998)[edit | edit source]
All eyes were on Brazil at the 98 World Cup in France. Partly down to the incredible talents of Ronaldo, Romario and co, but more importantly because France is a sensible place to hold a World Cup where games are on at a reasonable hour, as opposed to the USA or Japan, where people were still asleep for most of their games. Ronaldo scored 4 goals on Brazil's march to the finals. He might have scored more, but Brazil didn't really bother to turn up for their final group game with Norway, having already won the group after thrashing Morocco and Tom Boyd's own-goal consigned Scotland to another early World Cup exit. Unfortunately Ronaldo had a fit on the eve of the final and was removed from the team an hour before kick off, only to be sensationally reinstated at his own request. Allegedly this was demanded by the Nike corporation who insisted Ronaldo had to play in the final to continue sponsorship. Even if this was more than just an urban legend, fans quickly forgave Nike, since they had made the awesome adverts with Eric Cantona in, like the one at the airport or the one with the 3 on 3 cage football.
Ronaldo would return after the tournament and was still a potent goal-scorer. Unfortunately, he had become somewhat injury-prone and made a habit of messing up his knee. He also started to have troubles with his weight.
Son[edit | edit source]
Ronaldo had a son with his then wife, the female Brazilian footballer, Milene Domingues. His son is named Jesus Ronaldo, which is up there in terms of stupidity with the likes of Barry Trotter and Boy Boy. Ronaldo named his son after his personal hero, Jesus Christ. This unusual choice of hero for a footballer might go some way to explaining Ronaldo's weight problems.
Foursome[edit | edit source]
In April 2008, Ronaldo hooked up with three transvestite prostitutes in a nightclub in Rio. Upon discovering they were men, Ronaldo offered them $600 each to keep quiet about the incident. One of the three demanded $30,000 and when Ronaldo refused, she/he exposed the case to the media. While Ronaldo committed no crime, one has to wonder how many Big Macs it takes to get over this shame, quite a few by the looks of it.
Name Theft[edit | edit source]
The final insult occured due to the emergence of the Portuguese wonder-kid Cristiano Ronaldo. Ronaldo captured the media's attention with his ability to do over 500 step-overs an hour and influence referees to send off other players. Unfortunately, the football public are not able to grasp the complexity of two players having the same name. Many are unable to the spot the difference between any two of Joe Cole, Andy Cole, Carlton Cole and Nat King Cole. Also, 'Cristiano Ronaldo' is too difficult to fit into most terrace chants and is too long for most commentators to exclaim. Given his namesake's decline into obesity, it was decided that Cristiano would henceforth be known as Ronaldo, whilst Ronaldo would be known as Fat Ronaldo. Ronaldo went on to become World Player of the Year and require a transfer fee of £80M for his move to Real Madrid. This fee was made even more impressive by the fact the same figure could've bought Newcastle United lock, stock and barrel at the time.