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Football is a game of two-halves in which viewers witness nauseating levels of "cuntcraft" for 90 minutes, similar levels of which are only found amongst viewers of Desperate Scousewives, Geordie Shore and made in Chelsea. Football is also seen to be an escape route for many men from the daily threat of homoeroticism.

Rules: Within football 11 distgustingly overpaid wankers are pitted against another 11 arseholes with no redeembale features whatsoever. Football is also the owner of the offside rule which is often the basis of many a sexist joke.

Stars: Football's most talented players often tend to be vastly unplalatable characters in which the public often find increasingly hard to relate to as a result of their bulging wallets inflating their ego's to intollerable levels. Wayne "the ogre" Rooney is considered to be a "star" of the game as a result of being gifted with a god like "first touch". However, Waynes off the field antics tend to land him in the shit. For instance Wayne was found to have cheated on his corporate hoare of a wife, Coleen Rooney, whith two prostitutes who charged him an extra £100,000 per hour during their "sessions."

Flops: It would be footballing treason not to mention Titus Bramble in this section as a result of his horryfying performances which have had near cataclysmic effects in the places these matches took place. In 2006 one of Bramble's most notorious own goals- which involved him using a "bicycle kick" to beat his own keeper- was mistakenly awarded goal of the season by Alan Hansen on MOTD, only for them to reveal on MOTD 17 at 3:00AM in the morning that they has in actual fact made a mistake.