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Gary Neville[]

Gary Alexander Neville (born 18 February 1975) is an inadequately moustachioed right back who plays for Manchester United and England.

Playing Career[]

Gary Neville made his Manchester United debut in 1992. Until 2003 his role was to be the first player to celebrate with the goalscorer by jumping on his back and making an angry sex face. This led him to spend long periods poised on his tippy-toes on the edge of the opposing penalty area, frequently being caught eighty yards out of position as attacks broke down.

With the departure of David Beckham, Neville became a supplier of slow, high crosses, his place on the goalscorer’s shoulders being taken by Rio Ferdinand. Similarly Neville’s ill-advised cultivation of a moustache, for which his face is not genetically conditioned, is thought to be connected to the sale of Juan Sebastian Veron to Chelsea.

Derisory Moustache[]

Neville’s quasi-moustache has been the target of widespread scorn, with satirist Richard Ingrams dubbing it a “shit-stache” and long-running Italian variety show Striscia La Notizia dedicating a regular spot where its paucity is mocked by a coterie of scantily-clad models and a St Bernard puppy.

Incongruously Socialist Activities[]

Gary Neville, despite earning £90,000 a week and literally owning an entire hamlet like some kind of medieval princeling, is a noted scourge of the powerful and champion of the voiceless masses. He is widely considered to have inspired Subcomandante Marcos’s Zapatista movement.

Neville’s history of leftist agitating includes:

- Threatening, on behalf of the England team, to go on strike in protest at Rio Ferdinand’s ban for missing a drugs test.

- Threatening, on behalf of the England team, to go on strike in protest at Alan Smith’s ban for wanging a bottle into the crowd.

- Threatening, on behalf of the England team, to go on strike in protest at the treatment of the indigenous Hmong people of Laos.

- Lobbying for the re-introduction of the block vote to pick the CD on the England team bus following away matches.

- Throwing a shoe at Malcolm Glazer.

- Having a moustache.

Best Right-Back In Neville Family[]

Neville won the coveted Best Right-Back In Neville Family Award every year between 1990 and 2007. Injury prevented him from collecting the trophy in 2008, when it was won by his sister Tracey.

Assumed To Be Popular, Actually Not Popular[]

Despite being widely disliked, Gary Neville has become one of those players journalists assume are popular. This is due in equal measure to his long playing career as a one-club man and to the chant based on the David Bowie song Rebel Rebel that pays tribute to his father’s funny name.

An alternative chant, that begins “Neville gonna give you up, Neville gonna let you down” has been slow to gain popularity.


Neville looks startling like Christian Bale in 'The Machinist'.