God[edit | edit source]
God is a deity who is said to have created the world. His existence is a matter of ongoing debate; it is passionately asserted by untold millions, vigorously denied by millions more.
As well as having allegedly created the earth and the heavens, the birds and beasts of the earth, the fish of the sea, and having dominion over the winds and waves, God is sometimes credited with influencing the results of football matches.
Religious players will acknowledge God’s help by namechecking him in interviews, looking up and pointing to Heaven after a goal, or leading the Tottenham fans in a half-time rendition of At The Name Of Jesus (Every Knee Shall Bow).
Footballers Helped By God[edit | edit source]
Brazilian hotshot Kaka, a staunch believer, has ‘I BELONG TO JESUS’ stitched into one of his boots, although after his club objected, he was forced to stitch ‘BUT I AM CONTRACTED TO MILAN’ into the other boot.
After winning the 2008 FA Cup for Portsmouth with a scrambled goal, no-oil-painting Nigerian Nwankwo Kanu gave the credit to the omnipotent being, saying ‘I’m a Christian and I prayed that God would help me.’ He did not explain why God had sanctioned such a wretched second half, or what the famously serious-minded creator thought of the goofy dancing Kanu indulged in to celebrate his gift.
Most studio analysts agreed that the main assist for the goal did not seem to have come from God, but from clown-like Cardiff goalkeeper Peter Enkelmann.
Misleading References To God[edit | edit source]
In 1986, Diego Maradona – in a rare case of a player trying to get off the scoresheet – claimed that the disputed deity, rather than him, had scored the opening goal against England. But this was less an expression of sincere belief, more a case of Maradona being a treacherous cunt.
Like the ear-cupping angry celebration, the practice of looking and pointing heavenwards after scoring has sometimes been emulated by more impressionable players who aren’t into the whole God thing, but just think it looks like a cool thing to do after a goal, especially since they can’t really pull off that whole dancing-round-the-corner-flag thing, and you get booked for taking your shirt off these days.