Over the years, a great number of footballers have let themselves down with haircuts that just aren’t good enough.
In the old days, footballers used to look like blokes you get in a warehouse or managers at Tesco Metro.
But as players have become increasingly rich and vain, many have made ill-fated attempts to make a statement through their hair.
Mullets – During the 1980s, players cultivated huge, straggly, greasy mullets with impunity. The word mullet is synonymous with the image of Chris Waddle blasting a penalty half-way to Slovenia during Italia ’90. However, mullets aren’t extinct yet and there was a worrying recent epidemic that included Arsenal’s Cesc Fabregas when he first moved to England. Barry Venison also had a mullet – it made him look like kids’ TV’s Pat Sharpe.
Ponytails - These are still very rare in English football, but David Seaman brought his distinguished career to a sour conclusion by modelling a ponytail in his twilight years. Italian legend Roberto Baggio was the poster-boy for the ponytail during World Cup 1994, but the football gods punished him by causing him to sky his crucial penalty against Brazil in the Final.
Perms - Amazingly, during the 1970s it was fine to have a perm. But that doesn’t excuse Kevin Keegan for looking a lot like Cher while enjoying the best years of his playing career. Hysterical Soccer Saturday pundit Chris Kamara still models a short perm, but he holds the necessary paperwork.
Lank hair - It is an age-old tradition that Argentine footballers have greasy lank hair. From Gabriel Batistuta to Gabriele Heinze, every decent Albiceleste star has grown an unreasonable amount of hair in order to qualify to represent their nation.
Old-fashioned hair - Dimitar Berbatov of Manchester United has old-fashioned hair, which makes him look 20 or 30 years older than he is. Portsmouth goalkeeper and wannabe clown David James adopted a greasy side parting but soon thought better of it.
Cornrows - For no real reason, white man Andy Carroll of Newcastle United thinks it’s ok to wear his hair in cornrows. It’s not ok.
Afro - Colombian madman Carlos Valderrama had possibly the most famous Afro in football. The demented midfielder had a lion’s mane on his head and seemed to be in competition with scorpion-kicking, box-to-box goalkeeping compatriot Rene Higuita for the height of his locks. Recently, this style has been copied by surprisingly good Everton striker Marouane Fellaini and Tottenham nobody Benoit Assou-Ekotto.
Mohawk - This regrettable hairstyle claimed several high-profile victims. David Beckham, Turkish international Umit Davala, Japanese nearly-man Kazuyuki Toda and, most hilariously, goat-loving German Christian Ziege all modelled this baffling look.
Bunches - Bizarre Nigerian defender Taribo West went round with two sets of dreads tied in bunches on either side of his head. Then again, he also played for Inter and Plymouth.
Bleach / dyed - French striker Djibril Cissé dyes his hair a different colour every week. It’s one of several things he does that makes you fairly sure he’s a twat in actual life.
On the other hand, the whole Romania team bleached their hair blonde during World Cup 1998 just to give the commentators the willies, which was great. Even today Martin Fisher goes into anaphylactic shock when he sees bleached blonde hair.
Poland did a similar thing when they all turned up to World Cup 2006 with average length hair. To add to the confusion, they all had 16-letter surnames and were all fairly good but not that good at football.
Pineapple - Jason Lee, today of Kettering Town, had his career maimed by comedians David Baddiel and Frank Skinner (although mostly Skinner) who pointed out that he had a pineapple on his head. Lee persisted with the hairdo for a while but was eventually driven insane and to Kettering.
Spider - Feeling under pressure to do something eccentric due to his name, Angola player Loco had a stupid, spidery fringe on a shaved head during World Cup 2006. Like his team, every game they played in and the tournament itself, it was an embarrassment.
‘Ealthy looking ‘air - Ex-Newcastle United and Tottenham Frenchman David Ginola had flowing locks and a thirst for money, which led to the winger doing an advert for Head & Shoulders, during which he proclaimed that he had ‘ealthy looking air’. The ad made the frustratingly attractive wide man a bit of a laughing stock amongst fellow players, but didn’t stop a drooling Sue Barker from desperately trying to sleep with him every time he was on Question of Sport.
Some players have no hair. Georgian nutcase Temuri Ketsbaia, Real Madrid joke signing Thomas Gravesen and Lee Carsley famously don’t have a hair between them.