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Joe Kinnear[]

Joe Kinnear (born December 27, 1946), a former jobbing manager who nowadays looks like someone you might get in to do odd-jobs, may or may not be the manager of Newcastle United.

Kinnear was offered the ‘interim post’ of Newcastle manager after the first 270 people on the list had declined it.

The club issued a statement saying that they were ‘not all that pleased, in all honesty’ to welcome Kinnear and that he would do ‘at best, a competent job until we can get someone in here who’s managed a football club since back-passes were outlawed’.

Tired of appointing managers with decent CVs who become unpopular with the fans, meat-headed Toon owner Mike Ashley decided to appoint an abrasive cockney with scant top-level credentials and a tendency to overreact to criticism.

He was naturally unpopular with fans, and looked set to leave even before his first game, when he referred to almost everyone in Newcastle-upon-Tyne as a ‘cunt’ during a press conference.[1]

Kinnear’s PR skills may have been a little rusty since he hadn’t been a football manager for ages.

Initially, Kinnear did fairly well and became Newcastle United’s most successful manager of modern times by winning a few games.

However, reality set in when Newcastle didn’t win a game for fucking ages and Kinnear inadvertently revealed that he didn’t know most of the names of his players.

Amazingly, the charmless coach referred to midfield underachiever Charles N’Zogbia as ‘insomnia’ during a post-match interview. N’Zogbia was so angry that he went to Wigan, punishing himself as much as Kinnear.[2]

In his defence, Kinnear stated: “I dunno what most of them lot’s called, honest I don’t – pack of flashy cunts.”

In January 2009, Kinnear stunned fans, pundits and the Newcastle United board by announcing that he had been offered a three-year contract.

By way of proof, he produced a scribbled piece of coffee-stained paper that contained the words “Newcastle United” and “three-year contract” all misspelled.

When asked to comment on Kinnear’s future, gravy slurping chairman Ashley commented: “Three year contract? Fuck no.”

Heart attack[]

Fairly unsurprisingly, Kinnear once had a heart attack while managing Wimbledon. He was replaced for health reasons by Wellington-boot loving simpleton Egil Olsen.

Kinnear would later have another cardiac arrest during his spell at Newcastle but insisted he would happily stay at St James' Park until his imminent death.

Joe Kinnear on Back of the Net News[]

'I'm Newcastle 'til I die,' pledges half-dead Kinnear.[3]