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Joey Barton[]

Joseph Anthony "Joey" Barton (2 September 1982) is one of the worst men there has ever been.

As is so often the case, capricious deity God saw fit to bestow a generous dose of natural footballing talent on a man who should by all rights be in prison.

And although Barton has occasionally shown that talent and even won an England cap, he has shown great dedication to ruining his career with a relentless torrent of cuntcraft.

A recent poll asking the public to vote for history’s greatest monsters placed Barton at Number 8 behind the likes of Adolf Hitler, Robert Mugabe and the panel of ITV show Loose Women. This is largely due to Barton's indisputable status as 'That Kind of Player '.

Barton’s achievements[]

  • After an impressive debut season for Manchester City, Barton won the 2003-04 Young Player of the Year award at Eastlands.
  • First (and only) full England cap in (pointless) friendly against Spain in February 2007.
  • Mooning Everton fans after scoring a late equaliser.
  • Critcising England players for their stream of piss poor autobiographies after the 2006 World Cup. ‘We got beat in the quarter-finals and I played like shit. Here’s my book. Who wants to read that?’ Barton roared. His comments were vindicated when Ashley Cole’s diatribe ‘My defence (Why I’m not such a dreadful cunt after all)’ sold just nine copies.

Barton’s crimes[]

  • Sparking a 15-man ruck against Doncaster Rovers in a friendly in 2004.
  • Stubbing a cigar out in youth player Jimmy Tandy’s eye at a Manchester City Christmas party. Tandy was nearly blinded and blames Barton for the subsequent decline of his career, life.
  • Getting sent home from a pre-season tournament in Thailand for assaulting a 15-year-old Everton fan.
  • Breaking a pedestrian’s leg in a road accident.
  • Recklessly, albeit fairly accurately, describing every other Man City player as ‘substandard’ in an interview.
  • Beating the shit out of inoffensive midfielder Ousmane Dabo during training.
  • Trying to kill Dickson Etuhu during his first Sunderland derby with Newcastle United before slagging off the long-suffering Newcastle fans for not supporting his horror tackle.
  • Going to prison for assault and affray for knocking someone’s teeth out with 20 punches in a street brawl. It emerged that professional athlete Barton had drunk 10 pints and was queuing for a McDonalds.
  • Allegedly aiming racist abuse at fertile love rat and Aston Villa striker Gabriel Agbonlahor.
  • Putting in a two-footed reducer on Xabi Alonso that left the Spaniard on a stretcher and United with 10 men in a crucial game.
  • Labelling Alan Shearer a ‘a shit manager with shit tactics’ after being suspended indefinitely from Newcastle duty


Sam Allardyce is hoping to sign Barton after complaining that his Blackburn side ‘didn’t get reduced to 10 men enough’.


Compared to his brother, who was a key player in a racially motivated axe murder, Joey is quite a nice lad.

Joey Barton on Back of the Net News[]

Joey Barton’s Sadistic Soccer’ hits shops'. Read more