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John Pantsil Panstil Paintsil[]

John Paintsil is an international mercenary spy, notorious man of mystery, and mediocre professional footballer.

His career in espionage began on the day he was born. Selected at random by government officials who had infiltrated the hospital, a letter was removed from his surname on his certificates, rendering him officially state property. His handlers decided to rear him as a professional footballer to gain international connections, and after local success, was farmed off to Europe, specifically to Israel's hotbed of world espionage, Tel Aviv.

This double life took its toll on Paintsil, who exhibited some very peculiar symptoms of unstable behaviour. During the winter months, he would aggressively sever an arm off of his undershirt, sometimes interpreted as a defiant message to his handlers. He would also do bizarre laps of honour following games, regardless of how the 90-odd minutes of football turned out.

Eventually, after being reprimanded for starting his laps of honour before the game had even reached half time, and attempting to change his surname yet again to "Panstil", he was roped in and sent back to Tel Aviv briefly. Since this was at a rare time when not a lot was going on, he was sent to South Africa so that he could keep tabs on the Oscar Pistorius trial.