Jonathan Pearce (Born 28th November 1959) is a commentator for the BBC. His commentary style is best explained by presenting the fact that he used to be that "voice-guy" for Robot Wars. Not content with describing deadly battles in which home-made robots ripped chunks out of each other, Pearce harboured a secret ambition to commentate on titanic clashes such as Fulham versus West Bromwich Albion.
Pearce's style of commentary is entirely distinctive, he is loud, abrasive and sounds like sand-paper would if it were an overweight, morose middle-aged man bellowing ineffectually at the top of its' voice. With the enthusiasm and whimsy of a 5 year old Pearce will observe what is happening and tell you exactly what has happened at precisely 117 Miles per hour. It is unknown whether speech can be registered in MPH but Pearce's over-excited jibber-jabber is so utterly incomprehensible that it might as well be. It is unfortunate that to match his 5 year old's needless alacrity Pearce exhibits the knowledge of a child; his propensity to repeat what he has seen verbatim might be a tad more bearable were he not possessed of a voice that sounded like a turbo-charged electric pencil-sharpener.
Pearce: The man, the 'career'
Having covered live Football in the realm of radio, Pearce had his beedy eyes focused on ascension to the dark corridors of BBC boy's club Match of The Day. It has been rumoured that the ministry of defence kept files on Pearce for many years, noting his psychotic desire to enter the cliche-driven world of stereotyped banality. "No comment. We wouldn't dream of divulging sensitivites such as that, and besides who gives a toss about Lineker and co? Jeff Stelling is where it is at" was the all the response a senior MoD official gave when questioned.
After Robot Wars finished, Pearce was out on a limb. It was at this time he resolved with himself to takes John Motson's hallowed spot as chief MOTD commentator. Fortunately due to spending a lot of time around mechanised killing machines, Pearce was fluent in many a violent art. It emerged he had stolen a number of hi-tech circular saws and drills and it was only his massive appetite and pizza-heavy diet that saved him from suspicion when a number of otherwise suspicious red stains appeared on his clothes. Due to the assumed fact that no assassination of Jeremy Clarkson was attempted during this time, Pearce will go down in history as the biggest (as well as the physically largest) twat ever, several countries as well as interpol named him among their most wanted.
After a rapid succession of grizzly and sickening murders Pearce began to climb the bloody ladder that represented the MOTD commentator heirachy, only to slip back down as his hands' were covered in an Iron rich red substance that contained both erythrocytes and leukocytes. Nothing was ever found to implicate Pearce, although suspicion was aroused after a large number of co-commentators were found deceased in the commentary gantry. The ordinarily rotund and oleaginous Pearce was made to sweat further when police discovered that the deaths could have been caused by any of the following:
- Lack of air supply due to Pearce's incessant talking
-Severe cranial trauma induced by the sound of Pearce's voice, indeed Mark Bright was found with a torrent of blood cascading from his ears' although this was never fully substantiated as it was also suspected that Ian Wright may have lobotmised Bright in a well received practical joke. This same jape was later used by Gary Lineker on an unsuspecting Alan Shearer.
- Having been crushed to death by the Jabba-the-Hutt like volume of Pearce's bulk, this was considered the most likely due to the fact that Pearce travelled to and from work via both a specially designed wheel-barrow and a structurally reinforced crane.
The horrific spate of homicides left the powers-that-be no choice but to install Pearce as the main commentator, this was made all the easier by the Government's decision to relinquish John Motsons' senior citizen benefits and the fact that his cybernetic enhancements were in need of updation. "IT'S HARRY KEWELL CLOSING IN FOR LIVERPOOL, OH, EH! OH! WHAT A MISS!!!!!!", Pearce confidently and smugly asserted during a clash of the used-to-be-goods at Anfield. This statement was made in ignorance of a number of very important facts. The angle that Kewell shot from was physically impossible to score from, indeed Liverpool hired a team of the finest physicists to determine whether a goal could even have been scored from the position where Kewell shot. After a number of days intensive research including tests under various gravities and in extreme weather conditions, the results were inconclusive. Due to his extreme obesity Pearce would have dropped dead upon the act of standing up from his seat, let alone taking the shot.
It has emerged that Jonathan Pearce is a supporter of Bristol City. This was perceived by many to be the "final nail in the coffin", indeed the omnipotent deity God went on record as saying "well that just about does it."