Luiz Felipe Scolari
Luiz Felipe Scolari (born 9 November 1948 in Passo Fundo, Rio Grande do Sul, Brazil) is a World Cup winning coach who was highly decorated in Brazil but had no idea what to do with Chelsea. Inexplicably, he is currently in Uzbekistan.
Nothing player, something manager
A forgettable player, Scolari was a no-nonsense defender who always looked destined to do better as a manager. The first triumphs of Scolari’s coaching career came in his native Brazil before he went to some funny places like Kuwait.
However, it was with the Brazilian national side that Scolari achieved his crowning glory of winning the 2002 World Cup.
Scolari’s first big decision was to leave out ancient striker Romario after the fiery hitman stuck a silly joke shop moustache on Scolari’s face, which remains there today, as a prank.
It was a bizarre World Cup as almost every decent side fell by the wayside but Brazil managed to be the least bad team and beat Germany in an incredibly forgettable final.
Scolari famously issued each member of his Brazil squad with a copy of Sun Tzu’s ‘The Art of War’. Ronaldinho claimed the Chinese war manual changed the way he played the game, Roque Junior used it to prop open his door.
The next stop for Scolari was Portugal where he nearly made history by winning Euro 2004 but Greece won/ruined the competition. Portugal reached the semi-finals of the dreadful 2006 World Cup but failed to impress at Euro 2008 despite becoming dark horses early on.
After leaving Portugal, Scolari took over at Chelsea after reportedly turning down a big money approach from Manchester City. Sadly, Scolari had forgotten how to manage a club team. With Chelsea in danger of a UEFA Cup place, Scolari was axed and replaced with the first in a line of people who look like Guus Hiddink, Guus Hiddink.
Shortly after Scolari’s dismissal, the Chelsea players subtly stated how haphazard ‘Big Phil’s’ regime had been with comments such as ‘Hiddink really knows how to run a team, unlike some managers’ and ‘It’s nice to get back to fitness drills instead of egg-and-spoon races.’
Accidentally takes over team in middle of nowhere
Contrary to all rhyme and reason, Scolari’s next job came at Uzbek champions Bunyodkor where he linked up with former Brazilian talent and diving scumbag Rivaldo.
Some sources suggest that Scolari took the job by mistake, others insist that it is an elaborate joke – the only certainty is that the once-great manager is not at all happy to be in Tashkent.
Scolari’s nickname is ‘Big Phil’. It’s not clear why because at 5’11 and of average adult weight, the Brazilian tactician isn’t particularly big or small enough for the name to be ironic.
Luiz Felipe Scolari on Back of the Net News
Scolari: I must have got Uzbekistan mixed up with somewhere else.