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Not to be confused with Norwich City, Manchester United is a Premiership club. They have fans the world over (Asia), coming from everywhere but Manchester. They have a long and illustrious tradition in the game, having won more pre-season competitions in Asia than any other team (See Pointless Competitions). Such is the stature of the club, it is thought to be able to manipulate time itself, often delaying the final whistle by up to 3 days. (See Play until United Win Rule )




Much mystery and speculation has surrounded the origins of the club. Folk tales suggested that the club was shit out by Alex Ferguson after a night on the vindaloo. Other theories have involved witchcraft, scientology and puff pastry. However, recent developments have suggested that the club was in fact formed in Norfolk. This has led to widespread confusion amongst fans, with many now believing that Manchester United is in fact Norwich City. Several fans went as far as to believe the players were in fact Canaries, and are often seen throwing bread to them on matchdays.

Busby and Stuff[]

In the early 1950s, United won their first few titles using only over-developed teenagers. Many eyebrows were raised at the time, accusing manager Matt Busby of grooming his young squad. In response to the allegations, the team were labelled the Busby Babes and made to wear pink shirts. Due to the lack of colour TV, this went largely unnoticed. Despite winning only two league titles, the side were to be heralded as the best thing since bog roll ever since.

Following Munich, Busby in fact brought in better players but the side was still largely unspectacular. In 1963 United "did a Portsmouth", which entailed being shite all season and winning the FA Cup. They followed this with a few league titles and a European Cup. This particular cup win has been lauded throughout history, largely due to George Best just being there. It is said that this was the catalyst for the demise of Best, after he accepted a double-dog-dare from Denis Law to neck a dirty pint out of the European Cup.


In the late 80s a red-faced Scotsman took over the club. After going on a ridiculous run of league titles, they won an unprecedented treble in the 1998/1999 season. This saw the most significant instance of the play until United win rule, as they scored two in extra time to win the Champions League. Clive Tyldesley said of the match, "I've never seen anything like it, Ron (Atkinson) actually came when the second went in".

Following the treble winning season, manager Alex Ferguson was granted a knighthood. From this point forth the FA were legally obliged to seek Ferguson's approval for decisions on any matter even if of no relation to football. In 2003 there was a minor altercation when the FA chief Geoff Thompson took a shit without consulting Ferguson. Following the incident, the agreement came to be informally known as the 'Brown Nose treaty'.

In 2008 they again won the Champions League, 50 years after the Munich air disaster. A media frenzy followed, The Sun going with the headline "Man Utd Win Cup". The significance of the anniversary was played up, with Bobby Robson in tears as they lifted the trophy. It was later revealed that Robson faked the tears as part of a betting scandal. He was questioned about the affair in an appearance on Match of the Day. Responding with an angry tirade, he denied the accusations before putting in a two-footed lunge on Mark Lawrenson, narrowly missing his ball sack.

Criticism and Controversy[]

In 2010 the club were subject to a second BBC Panorama report about exploitation of the vulnerable and uneducated. The programme suggested that United were preying on people in third world countries, the disabled and women. In seeking global domination, the club were said to be offering free shirts to the homeless people in exchange for their souls. The show was never aired as it did not fit the BBC guidelines of praising Manchester United at every available opportunity.

Some critics have suggested that United have tended to overspend without criticism in recent years. Tragically these critics were later executed at the Tower of London on account of treason.