Mexico National Football Team[edit | edit source]
Mexico’s national team has a proud tradition of being eliminated in the second round of the World Cup.
El Tri will always qualify for the World Cup finals because of the notoriously forgiving qualification system in CONCACAF.
Mexico book a place in the World Cup if they either:
- Beat the USA.
- Beat Costa Rica.
- Beat El Salvador.
- Beat New Zealand
However, once at the finals the Mexicans have the disadvantage of being completely unused to playing genuine footballing nations instead of the likes of Canada and Cuba.
Therefore, after getting through the group stage with a win and a draw, Mexico will always fall in the last 16.
Italy 1990[edit | edit source]
In 1990, Mexico were banned from entering the World Cup as a disproportionate punishment for fielding an overage player in an Olympic game. Their spot at the World Cup was taken by the football-illiterate Yanks, whom did not notice.
USA 1994[edit | edit source]
That year, the Mexican players were the only members of their nation to not be stopped by Border Patrol as the World Cup was hosted by America (bribery and promises of free Disney Land rides offered to then-FIFA President Havelange in exchange for hosting rights were suspected). Grouped with Norway and fellow Catholic spouse-abusing drunkards Ireland and Italy, Mexico would advance to the knockout stage as group winners but were immediately eliminated by Bulgaria in the most English way possible: Penalties, and having their star forward Luis Garcia sent off.
France 1998[edit | edit source]
Debuting their infamous garish kit featuring the Aztec calendar (presumably designed by starting keeper Jorge Campos) in an attempt to distract and possibly blind their opponents, as well as trying to impress the French fashion industry. Instead, Mexico could only muster a win against South Korea and drew against neighbors Belgium and the Dutch before falling in the perennial Round of 16 against the Germans, adding another English-style elimination in their annals.
Korea/Japan 2002[edit | edit source]
Placed in the Group of Death, Javier Aguirre actually managed to bring Mexico to relative prominence after winning Group G at the expense of woeful South American fodder Ecuador and a waning Croatian side that made every Serb laugh heartily while setting Belgrade on fire in celebration of their elimination. After drawing with eternal cheats Italy, however, Mexico would see themselves be sent back home by the Americans, whom for once took "soccer" as serious as waging war on oil-rich Middle Eastern countries.
Germany 2006[edit | edit source]
Unlike Aguirre, Ricardo LaVolpe couldn't repeat the relative success four years prior as Mexico could only muster a victory against Iran and a draw against former Portuguese colony Angola, only to be beaten by Portugal themselves 2-1. By the second round, however, LaVolpe would deliberately mismanage Mexico as they faced his home nation Argentina, citing home sickness, although it was rumored he sabotaged Mexico after being offered a bag of coke autographed by noted drug fiend and fellow countryman Diego Maradona.
South Africa 2010[edit | edit source]
From 2008-09, Swedish sex pest Sven-Goran Eriksson was in charge of Mexico while qualifying for South Africa. Somehow Eriksson managed to mastermind a draw with Canada and defeats against Jamaica and Honduras (twice) when it would have been easier to pick up 12 points. While qualification was inevitable, Eriksson was sacked for putting the finishing touches to the team’s new garish kit. Aguirre would immediately replace him, beating the underwhelming French 2-0, only to be eliminated at Round of 16 by Argentina again.
Brazil 2014[edit | edit source]
Former player and noted meme Miguel "Piojo" Herrera stole the spotlight as he managed Mexico to write FIFA history by scoring 187 goals against Cameroon (although the referee disallowed 186 of them). Croatia midfielder and bad hair aficionado Luka Modrić went from being Mexican public enemy #1 to an international laughingstock after referring to Mexico keeper Ochoa as "a clownish version of David James, and just as shite as well". In response, Croatia ended up being properly fucked by the Mexicans, and once again Serb hooligans incinerated every square inch of Belgrade in celebration.
Mexico would be eliminated at the hands of the Dutch, thanks to Arjen Robben being a diving cunt.
Russia 2018[edit | edit source]
With Donald Trump serving as King of America, Team USA coincidently failed to qualify for the World Cup for the first time since the Cold War, leaving Mexico as North America's only representative with any plausibility to make it past the group stage. Shocking the world by defeating defending champions Germany (still managed by that arse-scratching mank Löw), Mexico for once were stepping into the promised land. That is until they got minced by Sweden 3-0, setting off flashbacks of the horrid Eriksson era eight years prior. In an unexpected turn of events, however, South Korea (whom Mexico beat as well) upset Germany 2-0 in the final group round to send Mexico to the next phase, but it was all for naught -- Mexico lost to yet another diving wanker, this time against Brazil's Neymar.
Qatar 2022[edit | edit source]
Somehow Mexico ended up as group C winner by beating Qatari associates UAE 7--0 and drew with both Spain and Japan before falling 5--2 against eventual winners Argentina, where Man of the Match Ezequiel Barco replaced Lionel Messi as Maradona's successor as well as claimed to be yet another illegitimate son in his past crack-driven sexcapades.
Manager and former player Luis Garcia would be banned from the Muslim world after rating Qatar Airways "a haven for filthy rich goatshaggers" after the match. Garcia would later apologize, citing anger caused by heat stroke and diabetes.
USA 2026[edit | edit source]
In a desperate ploy to obtain the World Cup from potential invasion victims Morocco, the Americans joined forces with Mexico and Canada(?!) and outright won the majority of votes. In spite the co-hosting format, the US was seen as the sole host of the World Cup since Mexico would only host 10 matches, and Canada was a laughingstock in the football world. In the most fitting celebration of America's 250th anniversary as an independent nation, Mexico would win the World Cup, eliminating the Yanks in semis and beating an overrated, ego-driven Brazil in the final. As a result, President Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson gave Texas back to Mexico and banned the Portuguese language nationwide.
Notable players[edit | edit source]
Jorge Campos (1991-2004)