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Peter Andrew Beardsley MBE (born 18 January 1961[1]) is an English former footballer and quasimodo look-alike who played between 1979 and 1999. He once set a record transfer fee in the game and represented his country 59 times between 1986 and 1996, once as captain. He notably played for Newcastle United, Liverpool and Everton, having also had spells with Carlisle United, Manchester United, Vancouver Whitecaps, Bolton Wanderers, Manchester City, Fulham, Hartlepool United and the Melbourne Knights. He is currently employed as the Reserve Team manager of Newcastle United and rarley makes public appearances as a result of his horrendous looks.

Born in Longbenton as a result of an incestual relationship between is father,Derek, and his mother, Barry, Beardsley was a product of the famous Wallsend Boys Club in North Tyneside. However, he was released as a teenager by hometown club Newcastle United and began his professional career with Carlisle United in 1978. He managed 22 goals in 104 league games[1] (helping them win promotion to the Second Division at the end of the 1981–82 season). He also dabbled with acting in his formative years, playing a Demon in Dario Argento's horror classic Demons. Legend has it that in this role Beardsley required no make up to make him look like a demon as he was already- as Argento put it- "the ugliest creature on Earth."

After a brief stint in North America-where he played shite despite most North American footballers at the time being amatuer- Beardsley moved back to England where he signed with Newcastle united for a tidy fee of £150,000. It was here that Beardsley enjoyed most of his success on the pitch, helping the magpies to the top tier of English football. However, it was arguably off the pitch where Beardsley had most of his success during his Newcastle days by managing to finally lose his virginty at the age of 25, despite runmours that it was in fact a prostitute he slept with. Beardsley denies these allegations and went on to have sex with another 256 women during his first stint as Newcastle.

Beardsley went on to play for Liverpool and also Everton which lead to Beardsley causing mass unrest within Merseyside resulting in Peter being brutally bullied for footballing treason with cries of "Your mother was you dad's sister" and "there's only one quasimodo" echoing throughout the streets of Liverpool on the day of his transfer to Everton. Beardsley then had a second stint at Newcastle before retiring. Beardsley is rarely seen in pulic these days, opting instead to spend his retirement within the walls of his bell tower home in Newcastle. Beardsley does make the odd appearance in masters tournaments and also charity matches in which he can be seen rubbing shoulders with the likes of Craig David, Ian Rush, Ant and Dec, Chico, and Rick Astley.