Peter Drury is a tiresomely pretentious, bombastic blabbermouth who flaps his gums during televised games on ITV.
While the old guard of commentators simply deliver a summary of events on the pitch, Drury takes a very different approach to the job.
Due to an inflated idea of his own importance, Drury feels it is his duty to use his role as a stage to perform his brand of rhetorical prose.
He has an obsession with using alliteration and will always give lists of three characteristics, even where one or more don’t really apply (E.g – Jermain Defoe, the perfect pint-sized package of pace, poise and panache).
Whenever a player hits a dangerous shot, Drury will tend to use both his names unnecessarily (E.g - It's headed clear, but only as far as the edge of the box and Paul Parry...).
As his position at ITV has strengthened, Drury’s commentary has made increasingly infrequent reference to events on the pitch.
During Liverpool’s Group D win over Marseille in the 2004-05 Champions League, Drury took the controversial step of reading Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s Romantic epic ‘The Rime of the Ancient Mariner’ instead of commentating on the game.
While ITV received nearly 600,000 complaints, the channel stuck by the increasingly flight wordsmith, issuing the statement: “you could see what was happening from the pictures, besides it was always going to be 2-1.”
These days Drury usually recites his own haiku poems or sonnets during games and is set to release a philosophical treatise entitled “The things I think during football matches.”
Drury also loves to use contrived lines of prepared commentary and will often refer to a tournament as a ‘party’ in the opening minutes.
When Southend took an early lead against Chelsea in an FA Cup third round replay on Wednesday January 14, 2008, Drury hit a new low. Although there were still 65 minutes to play, Drury had clearly prepared his commentary in the event of a shock and was determined to use it.
Drury: Well I'm not sure if you remember Procol Harum but they were from Southend and some of the Chelsea players look a whiter shade of pale...
Jim Beglin (under his breath): You dreadful twat.
Obviously, Chelsea went on to win the game 4-1.
These days Drury also commentates on the Boat Race. His 20 minutes of appalling cliches turn a dull event into an unbearable one
Comparisons to Chaucer
Drury sounds suspiciously like Paul Bettany's take on Geoffrey Chaucer in 2001's 'A Knight's Tale', to the extent that it's almost certain that either a) Paul Bettany based the character on Drury or, more worryingly, b) that Drury is attempting to channel Geoffrey Chaucer.