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Portsmouth Football Club is a football club based in the lost city of Pompeii, Italy. Nicknamed 'The Skates', the team will participate in the Football League Championship next season after being relegated from the Premier League .

The club play their home games at antiquated cattle-shed Nottarf Krap to a small but passionately-racist group of fans and their mascot the TY Beanie Baby. Although a Daily Mail survey suggested that Portsmouth hosts one of the best atmospheres, the author has since admitted their inclusion to be a polite metaphor for the airborne broken bottles and petty cash thrown at every match.


Formation and Early Years[]

Portsmouth, or Pompeii F.C. as they were then known, enjoyed moderate success during the 1st Century A.D. in the now-defunct Roman Empire Coca-Cola First Division. Unfortunately in the year 79 A.D. Pompeii lost their home ground, the bulk of their fans and all but one of their playing squad after Vesuvius violently erupted and entombed the city. The only surviving player was Petrus Crouchios who had been on tour at the time with the local circus. After a successful application, Pompeii were permitted to relocate to a small, undesirable island off Hampshire and allowed to participate in the English leagues. The club changed it's name to Portsmouth Football Club shortly after.


Recent Years[]

In 2005, Russian oligarch and warlord Alexandre Gaydamak bought the club and set about financing unsustainable deals with his father's money made through arms deals and human trafficking in Africa.

Somewhat ironically, Portsmouth's squad which bought the FA Cup in 2008 was comprised solely of African players. It is even heavily rumoured that serial fraudster and part-time manager Harry Redknapp delivered his half-time team talk in a mixture of Swahili, Creole and clicking sounds. The winner was scored by leggy journeyman Nwankwo Kanu on the eve of his 84th birthday.

When Redknapp left his "spiritual home" for the second time later that year, Portsmouth started to quickly go downhill with the subsequent appointments of alcoholic Tony Adams , Paul Hart and Avram Grant . Despite Grant's frequent motivational visits to a seedy industrial estate in Southampton , he was unable to keep to Portsmouth up. Administration and a -9 point deduction were also suffered.


Celebrity Fans[]

Arthur Conan Doyle was rumoured to have played for the club, although this has been disproved. In fact, Doyle left Portsmouth as soon as he had the wealth to do so, whilst his novel Hound of the Baskervilles is said to be inspired by the women of Portsmouth.

Awkward pundit Steve Claridge is from the Portsmouth area and is a well-known supporter, while other notable fans include him-with-the-tattoos and her-from-Eastenders.

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