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Roy Keane[]

Roy Keane (born August 10, 1971) is a former footballer turned manager, and ongoing sociopath.

An inspirational midfielder who balanced no-nonsense football with world-class flair and finesse, Keane’s talent and commitment as a footballer were only matched by his talent for, and commitment to, acting like a complete arsehole.

Playing Career: Highlights[]

After growing up playing for Cobh Ramblers in Ireland, Keane signed for Nottingham Forest, then managed by frightening, moody genius and incorrigible green jumper-wearer Brian Clough.

Keane became a favourite with the Forest fans, who honoured him with the terrace chants ‘Oh Keano/Oh Keano’ and ‘In a few years/Our club will have descended into a pitiful shambles/Whose glory days as European champions seem far-off/When we employ a dickhead like Colin Calderwood as our manager’.

Keane often expressed his gratitude to Clough, who helped him to settle in at Forest by allowing him regular trips home to Ireland. When he’d become established as a cornerstone of the team, Keane repaid ‘Old Big ‘Ed’ for his support by holding out for a hugely lucrative new contract which jeopardised Forest’s entire financial future.

Clough called Keane a ‘greedy child’ and said he ‘was not going to bankrupt this football club’. After securing the big bucks, Keane left Forest as soon as they were relegated, and managed to be an even greater cunt by agreeing to sign for Blackburn, only to change his mind at the last minute thanks to a personal plea from serial winner and bully Sir Alex Ferguson. Spurned Blackburn manager Kenny Dalglish’s reaction was unprintable, largely because, like everything else Dalglish said, it could not be deciphered.

At Manchester United, Keane won every honour in the domestic game, as well as the Champions League – though he missed the Final because of being an arsehole (see below). He also served Ireland with distinction, but missed the 2002 World Cup because of being an arsehole (see below).

After leaving United, he had a brief stint at Celtic, where he made a name for himself by shouting at team-mates in his very first game – a 2-1 defeat by minnows Clyde – which marked him out as a bit of an arsehole (see below).

Arsehole Career: Highlights[]

As well as footballing excellence, Keane has again and again shown himself to be a world-class prick. His achievements in this field include:

- Walking out on his first club, Nottingham Forest, after taking them for as much money as possible (see above).

- Needlessly tripping Zinedine Zidane in the 1998/1999 Champions League Semi-Final, then making out he was some sort of martyr for missing the Final after the foul earned him a booking. ‘This was my worst moment in football,’ said Keane, recalling the agony of missing United’s biggest night in more than thirty years. ‘If only I wasn’t always committing petulant fouls and arguing with referees and generally being a dick.’

- Commiting a horror tackle on Manchester City's Alf-Inge Haland as revenge for Haland insinuating that Keane was feigning a ligament injury 3 years prior, driving his studs like an arsehole into the Norwegian's leg with such force that Haland spun a full 180 degrees before crashing into the turf.

In his autobiography Keane expressed his remorse for the assault, saying: ‘I’d waited long enough. I fucking hit him hard. Take that you cunt.’ Keane followed this up by arranging for Haland’s wife to be held hostage for several days, hiring a hit-man to kick his dog repeatedly, and breaking into Haaland’s garden shed to chop up a prize marrow which the Norwegian had been about to enter for a prestigious produce competition. ‘Well, I’ve ruined his life. That’ll teach him to say slightly antagonistic things,’ commented Keane, wiping blood off his hands onto his Red Devils shirt.


Keane (left) trash talks his dog before walking it to death

- Blowing his best chance of international honours by getting himself sent home from the 2002 World Cup. He launched an attack on big-nosed Eire manager and part-time Sesame Street star Mick McCarthy, saying that he ‘didn’t rate him as a player, manager or person’ and that he was a ‘cunt who’s not even Irish’. Thanks to this outburst, Keane fulfilled his dream of ending his international career with a reputation for having been too much of a dick to fulfil his potential.

While his team-mates unluckily went out on penalties to Spain, Keane was repeatedly filmed walking his dog back at home: a display of salt-of-the-earth integrity only slightly undermined by the fact he had a £1.5 million home guarded by snipers. After being walked in front of TV cameras whenever Keane got into tawdry controversies, the dog died of exhaustion in 2004, having covered well over 15,000 miles in its career.

- Receiving 13 red cards, an equal record for sendings-off in English football, and a tally which only an absolute gobshite could aspire to.

- After any United defeat, deflecting blame by publicly criticising his own team-mates, United fans, the groundsman, a bloke called Kevin in the United Megastore, and the club’s sponsors Vodafone who, he said, ‘seem to be more interested in the glory than in providing consistent network coverage. I don’t rate them as a network’. He underlined his point by sending Anthrax in the post to Vodafone’s Head of UK Operations.

- Having pointless spats with Arsenal lynchpin Patrick Vieira. The two argued over – among other things – each other’s attempts to influence referees, Vieira’s decision to play for France rather than his native Senegal, and whether there can be an objective standard of beauty.

Managerial Career[]

Keane became manager of Sunderland in 2006-7 and enjoyed immediate success, winning the Championship at a canter. Paying tribute to his charismatic managerial style, one player, who begged not to be named, said: ‘he makes us feel we can’t lose, not least because if we do, he’ll hit us all in the face’.

Keane then followed up this achievement by keeping Sunderland – an eternal yo-yo club – in the Premiership, breaking a 90-year-old tradition whereby they, like West Bromwich Albion, were always promoted and relegated in alternate years.

However, in 2008-9, Keane’s tendency to sabotage his own career surfaced once more. He inexplicably grew a big white beard and, as he came to resemble Father Christmas more and more, his side’s defence appropriate began doling out more and more gifts to opposing teams. With Sunderland struggling in the table, Keane demonstrated his famous fighting spirit by bailing out at the first sign of trouble. He left Sunderland claiming he would ‘return to management soon’, and adding that he would ‘then leave it all over again, ideally in the most prima donna way I can’.

Keane took the Ipswich Town job on April 23, 2009, announcing his intention to 'become sulky and aloof, grow a beard, walk the shit out of my dog and quit overnight.'

Style of Play[]

Keane is a quintessential example of a no-nonsense player, and was an outspoken advocate for Route One Football, and the legalization of reducers. Then-FIFA chairperson Gianni Infantino reportedly refused to these demands, and was found in his home, having committed suicide by 31 gunshots to the head.

He was an intimidating player on the pitch. Most critics are unable to find flaws in his on-the-ball gameplay, as he was well-versed in the ways of getting rid of the ball as soon as he got it. In interviews he has criticized teams who pass the ball more than fifteen times per game, calling the technique, "Bloody useless." He is a no-nonsense footballer, and off-the-ball he prefers the use of brute force to regain possession. As a Manchester United player, he regularly lobbied his manager Alex Ferguson to allow him to make "a few small changes to the team." Ferguson would later detail these changes as having each member of the team perform a reducer on one opponent, and then pay a healthy sum to whichever arse-bald referee was officiating the match.

Personal Life[]

Keane’s middle name is Maurice.

He has five kids.

He was born in Cork, Ireland in 1971. At the time food was not a word in the Irish dictionary and so Keane was inspired by his brother Johnson, who regularly performed bone-crunching tackles on old men crossing the street to put some food on the table. Most agree that this is to credit for his violent tendencies.

He was once sent off in a game for attempting to eat the leg of another player after performing his reducer.

He now works as a gibbering, mildly racist pundit for Sky Sports.