Sam Allardyce[edit | edit source]
Samuel "Sam" Allardyce (born 19 October 1954 in Dudley, West Midlands) is the huge-headed dour West Ham manager who made his name by grinding out points with no-nonsense football. Long assumed to be a good old fashioned English traditionalist, privately deriding whilst publicly utilising the talents of immigrants, his comments explaining his player El-Hadj Diouf spitting on opponents, claiming it was "just part of his culture", were surprisingly moderate to anyone who's ever had the misfortune to sit next to the cantankerous old sod in an Indian restaurant.
Bolton Wanderers[edit | edit source]
Allardyce’s greatest achievement was turning Bolton from a team of ugly, functional, no-frills bunch of shit-kickers in the lower leagues to an ugly, functional, no-frills bunch of shit-kickers in the Premiership.
Big Sam’s cobbled-together hotchpotch of hired goons enjoyed a level of success that made everyone forget that Bolton is hardly a place at all and nobody supports them.
Allardyce decided to leave Bolton at the end of the 2006-07 campaign stating:, "I have had praise for what I've done, but there's nothing at the end of it. I want silverware. I'm determined to get it before my days are over.”
Newcastle United[edit | edit source]
Like any sane person looking for silverware, Allardyce chose to join Newcastle United.
Surprisingly, the move didn’t prove entirely successful. Allardyce spent most of the time on his hands-free mobile phone and rarely had much idea what the score was. He was always chewing.
Like every other Newcastle manager except Kevin Keegan, Allardyce became unpopular with the fans and left.
Blackburn Rovers[edit | edit source]
Allardyce next became the manager of Blackburn Rovers in order to create another team of resilient northern shit-kickers. However, the club were bought by an Indian chicken conglomerate, and promptly sacked him for reason unknown, but probably because he mildly insulted their ethnicity when first discovering the news that Walker's estate had "sold out to a bunch of P*** bastards". His assistant, Steve Kean, replaced him, which was a massive improvement, but still an unbelievably shit appointment.
West Ham United[edit | edit source]
Allardyce joined West Ham and proceeded to launch an offensive on the Premier League by creating a team of resilient cheerful cockney shit-kickers. Unfortunately, after sitting proudly in the promotion spots for most of the season, a late collapse in resilience saw them only qualify for the playoffs. Amazingly, they managed to shit-kick their way to the Premier League by beating the whirling dervishes of Blackpool. No doubt the club's incredibly sane owners will take their TV money and fund another spending spree to bring in lots more players who are capable of kicking shit better than the current batch of shit-kickers. Although, if they have sense, they'll bring in a proper manager.