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Route One Football
Route One Football is an even more functional form of no-nonsense football. It is an attacking move whereby the goalkeeper, or central defenders, hoof the ball straight to a lone ‘target man’ who in -
Fat Ronaldo
Ronaldo started his career at Tunbridge Wells F.C. where his talents went unnoticed by the shit-kicking long-ballers who selected the side. Only when Ronaldo moved to the relatively underserved footballing market of -
No-Nonsense Players
No-Nonsense players, most often found in the lower divisions of the Football League, are – as their name suggests - footballers who avoid any kind of ‘nonsense’. Examples of ‘nonsense’ include: - Controlling the ball -
Luxury player
Luxury players, most often found being carried by title contenders or relegation certainties, are often referred to as "gifted footballers" if their side is on a good run of form. The antithesis of the No -
Peter Drury
Peter Drury is a tiresomely pretentious, bombastic blabbermouth who flaps his gums during televised games on ITV. While the old guard of commentators simply deliver a summary of events on the pitch, Drury takes a -
Green Street (Hooligans)
Green Street is a typically ludicrous football hooligan film, which features the hobbit from the Lord of the Rings films masquerading as a hard man. Over the years there have been dozens of hooligan films -
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1990 FIFA World Cup
The 1990 World Cup was one of the best, and worst, ever staged. It produced a glut of dire, defensive matches, plagued by no-risk football, cheating, and the Republic of Ireland. There were fewer -
FA Cup
The Football Association (FA) Cup is the world’s greatest club competition. It involves every team in England, although occasionally mid-ranking Premier League teams try to ruin it by fielding weakened sides and losing -
Australian National Team
Australia is an island nation in the the Indian Ocean. Most of the country is sparsely populated by humans, but given the density of killer spiders, killer snakes, killer crocodiles and giant bouncing rats, it -
Newcastle United
Newcastle United are a Premier League club with a proud history of footballing mediocrity and administrative failure. They are regarded as one of England’s most prestigious clubs, largely by themselves. They never win any -
Sunday League
Sunday league football is the term used in Britain to describe the amateur football played on parks around the country, typically on a Sunday. The term comes from a time when domestic professional and National -
Alan Green
Alan Green is a mouthy, splenetic commentator who works on Radio Five Live, often alongside Jimmy Armfield. Green has described himself, humbly, as nothing more than a ‘fan with a microphone’. Unfortunately this means that -
Roy Keane
Roy Keane (born August 10, 1971) is a former footballer turned manager, and ongoing sociopath. An inspirational midfielder who balanced no-nonsense football with world-class flair and finesse, Keane’s talent and commitment as -
Bruce Grobbelaar
Bruce Grobbelaar is this weird guy you used to get, who played in goal for Liverpool. Born in South Africa, Grobbelaar took dual British/Zimbabwean citizenship because South Africa was at the time rightly regarded -
Mexico National Football Team
Mexico’s national team has a proud tradition of being eliminated in the second round of the World Cup. El Tri will always qualify for the World Cup finals because of the notoriously forgiving qualification -
2002 FIFA World Cup
The 2002 World Cup was hosted in Japan and South Korea. There was a glut of bizarre results but in the end the tournament fizzled out and Brazil won it as usual. Due to a -
Great Goalscorer/Scorer of Great Goals
Great Goalscorer and Scorer of Great Goals are designations given by pundits to players. Due to the two terms having primarily the same words but in a different order, idiots such as Alan Shearer, Mark -
Group of Death
Cup draws were once upon a time a straightforward yet fairly exciting process. Weary old gentlemen like Bert Millichip would mechanically draw pairs of numbered balls out of a velvet bag until none were left -
Manchester City
Manchester City have spent much of their recent history being Manchester United’s poorer, shitter relations, but these days they are United’s richer, shitter relations. Aside from a very short period of success in -
Michael Owen
te amo Michael James Owen (born 14 December 1979 in Chester) used to be one of the world’s best strikers but these days he’s a perennially injured forlorn character. -
Steve McClaren
Steve McClaren (born Fulford, May 3, 1961) is a decent enough club manager who became a laughing stock when he ballsed up the England job and mistakenly thought he could speak Dutch. An average footballer -
Mark Lawrenson
Mark Thomas Lawrenson (born 2 June 1957 in Penwortham, Lancashire) was a key component in Liverpool’s greatest ever defence, but he has overshadowed that achievement by becoming one of football’s most universally unpopular -
Eredivisie
The Eredivisie (literally,'Honour Divison') is the top-tier of Dutch football and home to the 4 Dutch clubs that are actually relevant. These clubs are Ajax, PSV Eindhoven, Feyenoord and (for that one season -
David Seaman
David Andrew Seaman MBE (born 19 September 1963 in Rotherham, South Yorkshire) was a magnificent goalkeeper, a thoroughly decent bloke and an abject TV presenter. Incomprehensible Yorkshireman Seaman developed at Leeds United before arriving at
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