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Tactics Truck[]

The Tactics Truck was an ill-fated segment on piss poor ITV show The Premiership. It was hated by everyone and led many people to regard perpetrator Andy Townsend as one of history’s greatest monsters.

During a bleak period between 2001 and 2004, ITV managed to get their greasy, error-prone mitts on the Premier League highlights.

As well as putting the show on at stupid times, employing second-rate pundits, throwing in countless advert breaks and using U2's 'Beautiful Day' as its theme tune, ITV decided they wanted to add a segment dedicated to the tactical side of the game.

They did this by creating the Tactics Truck. The Truck would be parked outside grounds and unpopular numbskull Andy Townsend would replay goals, ringing things and stating the fucking obvious.

Townsend would bring players into the Truck and explain to them why they conceded three goals against Bolton, often managing to say ‘I tell you what’ in excess of 100 times in four minutes. It was dismal, embarrassing, superfluous fare.

One of the few highlights of the Tactics Truck’s reign of ignominy was the visit of Dion Dublin, who was at the time plying his trade for Aston Villa and had netted against Liverpool.

After some typically uninspired comments including ‘It was a good goal, I’m pleased for you,’ to which Dublin responded ‘Cheers mate’, Townsend asked Dublin what he thought Villa’s chances were in the UEFA Cup and it emerged that the journeyman striker had no idea who his side were playing in midweek.

During a famous visit to the Tactics Truck, the segment was interrupted as the vehicle began to slowly move. Townsend had illegally parked outside Stamford Bridge and was towed away, swearing in protest out the window.

Hatred of the Tactics Truck[]

The Tactics Truck came to be so reviled by football fans across the country that it had to be given 24-hour police protection.

Townsend, who drove, reported from and lived in the truck, has never shaken the stigma. indeed.