Total Network Solutions[edit | edit source]
Total Network Solutions ("TNS") was the name of a team for about ten years in the late 90s and early whatever-you-call-the-current-decade. Previously known as Llansantffraid FC, they were renamed during a silly spell when sponsors did whatever they wanted, including re-naming the entire club lock, stock and barrel.
TNS play in the slightly ridiculous League of Wales, which is the league that none of the proper Welsh teams actually play in, but which can lead to its winners participating in the lucrative Champions League from late June to early July every off-season.
Popular big-faced Soccer Saturday host Jeff Stelling famously once amused his studio of dim-witted pundits by acknowledging a TNS winning goal with the phrase "They'll be dancing in the streets of Total Network Solutions tonight". This was quite amusing, although was no doubt slightly spoilt by Matt Le Tissier and Charlie Nicholas trying to outdo each other by laughing louder and longer until everyone had forgotten what the original joke was and Nicholas missed the entire second half of the match he was supposed to be watching.
Total Network Solutions (the business, not the football club) were bought out by British Telecom in 2005, and the club renamed itself "The New Saints", charmingly keeping the TNS initials to remind fans of the period when they sold their souls to a corporate entity.
There is a theory that FIFA allowed Llansantffraid to be renamed Total Network Solutions, so that it wouldn't look so bad when bigger teams like Arsenal and even Bolton were whoring themselves shamelessly by selling sponsors the right to name their new stadia. This didn't really work as every true football fan still winces when they have to cite a multinational corporate brand name when referring to their football ground.
Thankfully, the practice of re-naming clubs after their sponsors hasn't really caught on, although SV Austria Salzburg have been laughably rebranded as Red Bull Salzburg. Stories that Birmingham City were to be renamed "David Golds Porno Empire FC" in late 2005 have proved to be unfounded, and rumours that Newcastle United were to be renamed "Dogshit Sportswear" have died down since owner Mike Ashley announced that he wanted to sell the club.